Wednesday, February 16, 2011

forgive and forget

The ability to forgive is not to be taken lightly. To let go and not hold grudges is truly an admirable quality that allows one's life to be lighter. This doesn't seem to be a problem for me, I am quick to forgive those who have hurt me, and I don't think I have ever really held a grudge. However, the problem with this is that I also forget. To forgive someone is one thing, but to forgive because you forget?..that just leads to a cycle of being stepped on and hurt over and over. To so easily let go of all the times someone has treated you less than you deserve to be treated. To so easily forget all the times someone has made you feel even a fragment of unworthiness. It comes to a point where you can no longer blame the person who is hurting yo and you must blame yourself for subjecting yourself to a situation that can only result in pain.

I think my tendency to forgive and forget stems from my oversensitivity. I tell myself, maybe I was judging them too harshly. Maybe they didn't really mean to hurt me. I convince myself that the hurt I felt was a manifestation of my own doing. This puts the blame on me and leaves the other party clear of fault. So I find myself in the middle of the same situation, wondering why I have let it happen again. I wonder how much longer I can let it happen until I can't take it anymore. I honestly can't believe I've made it this far.

I guess emotion wins over rationality again. Until emotion admits defeat.