Thursday, July 15, 2010

insomnia

I have not updated this in a very long time. Its like the longer you put something off, the harder it becomes to do because of the build up. With every day that something goes unwritten, nothing becomes worth writing about.

Lately I feel in a funk. Like i'm "depersonalizing" or "derealizing" (I never really understood the difference). I don't want to say i'm growing up, cause I don't think that's what it is, but something is different. It's hard to write about because I'm not exactly sure of what i'm feeling in the first place. Can you express what you can't understand?

As I was driving back to san diego, one concrete thought did come to mind. I might have written about it before, i'm pretty much a broken record when it comes to this subject. If there's one thing that's worse than a label, it's when that label turns out to have a seed of truth. For a long time, I've hated how people label me an idealist. It always bothers me because it feels like they're saying I live in some fantasy land out of the realm of reality, which essentially, is exactly what they're saying. It makes me feel naive and childlike. So I fight the label; I want to so badly step out of the box i've been confined too. But often times reality slaps me in the face and makes me confront my idealistic tendencies. And then my pride rages. I hate being proven wrong.

How childish of me.
How annoying of others.

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