Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Browsing my past entries I depress myself. I wonder if I just feel the urgency to write only when I feel down, or if I am just a depressing person overall. If so, was I always this way? I would hate for that to be true, I want to spread joy and lift others up, not bring them down. Still, its hard to get to that place where you can lift others when you can't yet lift yourself up. My mind has just been a mess of thoughts and feelings, worries and aspirations, and fear. I try to focus on the future, but I have found I am much more focused on the now. There is such a disconnect between the person I want to be and the person I am. I have this picture in my mind of the girl, the woman I aspire to be. Someone who is self-assured and strong-willed. Someone who's smile and warmth lights up the room. Someone who loves fiercely and can put her loved ones before her own selfish needs. Someone with strength and determination. Someone who knows what they want of life. Someone who is able to let go of things that are not healthy for her. Either I must strive to become this elusive being, or come to terms with who I am, and accept myself as I am, love myself. Or maybe it requires a little bit of both. Thats always the answer isn't it.