the end of the world

I've never really been one of those opinionated political types. Neither have I been very worldly. But this morning I woke up and turned on my computer and my heart grew heavy. On Facebook, I read people arguing on a status update about the racial tensions currently taking place at our school. While I had been partly neutral about it before, after reading the ignorant remarks of the people in support of the racial discrimination under the guise that it was "satire", my mind was settled. I am embarrassed and ashamed for ever even being able to understand the side of the people in support of the "Compton Cookout". As soon as I checked my e-mail, I got a message from the UCSD police department about finding a noose hanging in Geisel Library. Wow. Seriously?! That is disgusting. Who would have the nerve to do that?! What purpose could that possibly serve?! How messed up in the head does someone need to be to do something so outrightly hateful?! I had previously not given this issue too much thought, but this hateful action has really sent me over the edge. My heart is aching. I can't see the other side anymore. I can't see how any act of discrimination or hate could ever bring people together. How it could ever serve a greater purpose.

And then I heard about the earthquake in Chile. To be honest, I had not taken the Haiti earthquake as seriously as I should have. As horrible as it sounds, I could not grasp the sense of devastation and loss having come from such a privileged lifestyle. But reading that the earthquake in Chile was 100 times stronger than the one in Haiti, that really hit me. And genuinely scares me. My friend asked me the other day, "Where do you see God's love in the case of natural disasters?" I responded, "In the coming together of people after, that is where I see God's love." I'm not so sure of my answer anymore. These natural disasters keep getting worse and more frequent. I don't understand what is going on, why this is all happening. I'm so scared. And I'm so sad.

oh brother

I need to stop being a fickle pickle.

angel

I'm sick.

waiting

Why can't things ever be easy. Simple. No, for me, everything has to be complicated.

aimless

This week was not very fun. I had three midterms. The first two were pretty easy. The third one was medium-hard. I actually got decent sleep because I had been preparing the week before. Still, it was pretty stressful and annoying. On top of that, I'm trying to figure out my plans for next quarter, which kind of involves figuring out my 5-year plan. Who ever thought I'd be the kind of girl with a 5-year plan? Not me for sure. I'm supposed to be the spontaneous one. But I guess the worrier side of me took over. I guess that side is stronger. I definitely learned that one from my mom. Who definitely learned it from her mom. I hope I don't pass it on to my girl! It's such a burden. I hope this is the plan I stick to. For once, I feel it's right. It's fitting, what I've always wanted to do deep down but for some reason got lost along the way. Well after my last midterm I thought I'd be able to celebrate freedom, but I got an essay back with a not so stellar grade, putting me in a super crappy mood. At least when I went to class, I got to talk to this cute guy I'd been eyeing. A little later it was time for kyrie. Father Eugene came today. Everyone I talked to loved him so much and enjoyed his talk so much. It made me so happy. Seeing him made me so happy. When he mentioned something about my dad, nothing big at all, for some reason, I started tearing up. I really don't know why. I think it's just been an emotional week overall. I'm excited to go home this weekend though. I can't wait to see my family. I missed them especially this week. And in between all this jumble I came to a certain realization, I guess that's one part of my week I have to keep to myself.

This entry probably makes even less sense then the usual garbage I produce.

well

Silly me. To think even for a second that I had a choice in the matter.

numbers game

So there's these two things I want, #1 and #2.

#1 is attainable. #1 makes sense. #1 is what I thought I wanted, until #2.

#2 is unattainable. #2 makes no sense. As much as I wanted #2, I could probably never get it. But the possibility that #2 exists, makes me weary. Wouldn't it be wrong to choose #1, when I really want #2? Or am I being unrealistic and idealistic? Am I supposed to take what I can get? I still want #1, I just want #2 more. So by choosing #1, is that settling? Or is that being grounded in reality?