2010

New years resolutions are tacky. Still, I have a few.
- To be more emotionally stable
- To be more assertive
- To be more positive
- To swallow my pride
- To be more patient with the ones I care about
- To be less selfish and materialistic
- To realize the world does not revolve around me

the perks

"He's my whole world"
"Don't ever say that about anyone again. Not even me."

It's one thing to be willing to die for someone. But you should never live for someone. Live for yourself.

peppermint

One day i was sitting outside Starbucks. Everything was absolutely perfect. I was in good company. I was happy. I was gushing. I thought I was content.

I guess I was wrong. I had to be wrong. Because since then everything's changed. Why is it that when one thing goes wrong, everything else in your life goes wrong too. It's just like this downward spiral. How can so much change in a week? Not even a week.

This is one tough journey.

and a happy new year

2 weeks of nothingness ahead.

What a year. What a year. Everything was so different a year ago around this time. Life is so unpredictable.

something

I'm terrible. I'm so terrible. The right thing is always hard to do. But what's harder is knowing what the right thing is. I'm sorry.

But i'd rather be alone. It's for the best.

all my loving

I wonder if we choose our own paths, or if they're already chosen for us. Maybe we're just fooling ourselves when we say we create our own destinies. And then what about the little things? The little choices we make. Those little choices that lead to those wonderful moments. Could that moment have happened any other way? A fruitless question really. It happened, and all we can do is be thankful it did.

done!

My heart beat feels slower. I like it.

answers

So I am decidedly a realist.

Is that something you can decide upon?

ice

Is it insecurity that causes us to crave the need to be needed?

Long for the acknowledgment that we are missed?

The indication that we might actually mean something in someone else's twisted life?

Or maybe its merely the result of being human.

My cappuccino is cold.

innocence

You go beyond pushing boundaries,

You downright break them

And ignore them.

I wish I could be strong enough

To tell you to stop,

Put you in your place.

The problem is

I can't place you.

The problem is

I love how you love me.

The problem is

I never want you to stop.

Let's cut up the boundaries together

And then drown in the pool of red.

note to self

Why is it that it's always so much easier to remember the good memories. The times they made us feel beautiful, wanted, loved. Why is it so much harder to remember the times they made us feel pathetic, alone, unworthy. Yes, they might be a good person. But anyone who makes us feel pathetic, alone, or unworthy, is not good for you. No one deserves to be made to feel as though they are any of those qualities. Every time when I'm about to run back into the arms of that false comfort, I'll remember this.

colors

Karma.

Now, I won't say I believe in actual karma, I'm not even sure actually what religion it's derived from. But lately I've taken karma (in the sense that good things happen to good people) more seriously. People who do things that hurt other people, well, thats gonna come and bite them in the butt. I'm witnessing it all around me.

People who try to live their lives as honestly as possible, those are the people that will have satisfying lives. Now all there's left to do is try my best to belong to this category as opposed to the former.

Cause in all honesty, karma's a bitch.

lights

Right now I feel kind of dizzy. I feel honest. I feel a calmness, a serenity.

Can I handle it? Do I want to handle it? Am I in the position to handle it? Is it even my choice?

Come what may.

flood

I just remembered how pissed I was. How pissed I am.
Get your priorities in order.
Or you'll end up alone.
Broken into a million pieces.
And no one is going to be around to put you back together.

randoms

I am so overdramatic. Was I always like this?
Not only am I overdramatic, I'm overanalytical! And so sensitive.
This is a problem.

It's funny how things can seem like such a huge deal at the moment, and bring you way down. But in retrospect, it really is not a big deal. I should learn to take things more at face value rather than analyzing the shit out of everything, and looking for the "deeper meaning". Sometimes, there is no "deeper meaning".

Thanksgiving isn't as wonderful as I remember.

My uncle asked over the whole dinner table if I had a boyfriend. And my aunt got all embarrassed, as if that was a very inappropriate question. I didn't actually mind the question. I just minded my answer.

I need to have more faith in the people around me. As long as I'm the best version of myself, I'll be fine.

Ok, preparing for Thanksgiving part deux.

lame

It sucks when you think someone cares about you "this" much, when they really care about you "this" much.

pitter patter

If I have high hopes and great expectations, but doubt their ability to come true, does that make me an idealist? or realist?

glasgow

Why is it that the ones that want us, we don't want, and the ones we want, never want us?

you'll be in my heart

good morning

I tell everyone that my favorite color is orange. But Its not. Its actually green.

jeniffer

Everything is a jumbled mess. A million thoughts are running through my head, yet I can't seem to muster up a single coherent thought. I have so much to say, yet nothing to say.
My plan was to look back at my blog to remember what I was going though at whatever time in my life. But at this rate, I will just look back and be utterly confused. Even I won't remember what I was talking about. Ambiguity is overrated. But to write about what I really feel, things I'm actually going through. That would be way too vulnerable for my comfort. Still, I've always admired those with the balls to write about their actual problems. It makes for the most beautiful writing. Maybe I should take it step by step. A good start would probably be to start using my own words.

here, there, and everywhere

We drew the lines in the sand. We looked down at it and smiled, both understood. Then the tide picked up, and the waves washed those lines away. And we're left confused, right where we started.

for no one

Your day breaks, your mind aches, you find that all her words of kindness linger on when she no longer needs you. And in her eyes, you see nothing. No signs of love behind the tears cried for no one. A love that should have lasted years. You stay home, she goes out. She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone. She doesn't need him. You want her, you need her, and yet you don't believe her when she says her love is dead. You think she needs you.

hey love

Well in case you never noticed, the path you never chose has chosen you.

sweets

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

laundry

Never underestimate the power of simplicity.

i love you

Amazing.

tails

I love how dogs are unable to hide their emotions. Everything they feel is written right on their tail. Wear your heart on your behind. I wonder if that would be a good thing. If humans had tails. It could be a very dangerous thing.

wood

Does jealously lead to realization. or manifestation?

blurb

Here's an excerpt from my deleted xanga. I write similarly I think. The saddest part is, I do not even know who I am talking about.

i think more than anything. people want to loved and cared about. you can have a friend who knows everything about you and can finish your sentences..but when you get into difficult situations, thats when you find out if they truly care about you or if its just a surface friendship. i mean, of course its good to have friends you can laugh with, but we're all secretly searching for that one friendship. that special friend thats like family. that'll really care for you, and hurt when you're hurting. its different from sympathy.
well recently, i got into a difficult situation, and at first, i felt kind of alone. i guess this past year, i realized that humans are selfish. people are involved in their own problems, and i dont blame them, cause its human nature. but it just kind of depressed me. still, i dont even know if this person realized this when i talked to them, but i could tell they cared. and it made all the difference. just knowing i have you in my life, i am so thankful. you are not just my "other half" but you are like my family.
this made me think of someone else too. someone else who i know cares for me and takes care of me. i can never forget how happy that made me.
i guess this is a big part of why people want to be in love. because you find someone that puts you before themself. love is never selfish.

sparrows

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

stickies

I feel so full. - scarlet

cuz you're a pig... - brian

you two should get married. - yongmi

fuck you. - cham

happy

SO over it it's not even funny. And this is a good thing. A very very very good thing.

sodomy

The lyrics are the heartbreak. The melody is the hope.

je t'aime

There are times when life calls out for a change. A transition. Like the seasons. Our spring was wonderful, but summer is over now and we missed out on autumn. And now all of a sudden, it's cold, so cold that everything is freezing over. Our love fell asleep, and the snow took it by surprise. But if you fall asleep in the snow, you don't feel death coming. Take care.

snowflakes

<3

gray

We're all susceptible to it, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what's coming. It's pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are.

goodbye

Hands down miley cyrus' most brilliant work to date.

secrets

I'm not usually one to keep things in; I love talking about how I feel, what I'm going through, and getting advice from the people that I care about. But lately, there's been one particular issue which I am very mum about. Mostly, this has to do with my pride. My pride is currently overpowering my desire to just tell people how I feel, what I'm going through. So I'm silently mourning. This can't be healthy. But I know if I tell, I will just regret it. So I'll stick it out for now, till this feeling goes away.

reflections

I can't keep doing this to myself. Putting myself in that position. It's just plain painful. Why don't I learn from my mistakes? When it comes down to it, it really is my fault. How did I even let it get there? How'd I let it go so far. I need to quit, just stop.

Isn't it ironic, that the ones you love and trust the most, are the ones who kill you the most inside?

scooters

"She's highly emotional, that one."

"All the good ones are."

brighter than sunshine

To be able to manage a conversation after a long break as though it were a daily event is a special skill which is worthy of remark.

sticks and stones

Just a minute or so until the waves come crashing down

rows

Oh girl. you dream too big.

Get your head out of the clouds!

grace

How sweet the sound

words

Sometimes I hate the thought of using quotes. I am a human, with my own thoughts. Why should I talk through the words of others?

But other times, quotes so beautifully capture everything you feel, everything you want to say, and there's a beauty that lies in knowing that you are not the only person with those thoughts. You are not alone.

fall

I cut my hair today.

That's supposed to be metaphoric for a new start or something right?

Or it could just be a haircut.

the world at large

I have this fantastic image in my head of who I want to be. The characteristics I've come to admire over the last year are creativity, boldness, and the ability to think for oneself. In trying to embody these characteristics, I've actually failed to exhibit the characteristics that are most important. Like compassion and humbleness. All my life people have labeled me as "nice" and "sweet", so I would take those qualities for granted. Because of this, I think I've slowly begun to lose those characteristics that once defined me.
I have become selfish.
Selfish people hurt the ones that care about them.
I don't want to hurt them anymore.

Why is it that I always treat the ones who care about me the most, the worst? I'm so messed up.

mirror images

You are afraid.
Afraid to know once and for all that You really aren't good enough.
All Your insecurities will be realized.
So You decide to not do anything.
Wait for something to happen.
But nothing's going to happen.

float on

Darling, I can't hear you. It is your voice I want to hear.

All I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And i will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

And she continued to use the voice of others.

if it kills me

I could listen to this song forever and ever.

paint her

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect-- you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together, but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break-- her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze, and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.

spinning

It's always been hard for me to tell the difference between denial and what used to be known as hope.

misty

Character is what you are in the dark.

reach

When you dominate other people's emotions, the time has to come when you will have to pay, and heavily, for that privilege.

drip

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

lost in translation

Emptiness is always so much more intensified once you've held happiness.

country

I drink coffee like water and
I still never know what to say.
I still don't know how to get out of bed
half the time. It's not pretty,
or endearing. I whisper you secrets,
I am looking to be saved,
sometimes I am so weak,
sometimes I am so strong,
here you go, I'll give you everything
for one more chance.
My heart is ugly,
but it could be all yours.

over

Summer always feels endless until it suddenly ends...September is the Monday of months.

cotton

Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, the Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand". The first single. It's effing brilliant right? That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.

lollipop

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bleeding love

curls

Sometimes I say I love you. And he doesn't say it back. I can't remember if he used to say it back. I could've sworn he did.

I know he loves me, I just wish he said it.