Monday, November 1, 2010

eve


Pride is such a funny thing. You can hold on to it for so long until you don't even remember why you're clinging on so tightly in the first place. And the in moment, in the second you let go, you become unbearably vulnerable. You regret letting your guard down because now someone has the power to hurt you, to know you. It's an uncomfortable feeling. Everything comes down to how that person handles this power. Handled delicately, it could be so beautiful. But in the wrong hands, it could mean disaster. It could mean pain. And then you're left to build yourself back up again, because the one person you counted on to build you up has betrayed you. And you once again grab on tightly to pride and refuse to let go.

Friday, October 15, 2010

relapse

Drugs are insane.

Monday, September 6, 2010

eyes wide shut


It's funny when I read my past entries because I seem to repeat myself over and over again. I come to the same "epiphanies" month after month, not realizing that they've already been realized. Again and again. Pathetic really. Girl needs to get some new thoughts! Or at least retain the ones she previously owned. Oh however will you learn to learn from your mistakes?

delusion angel

Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes
I'm a delusion angel, I'm a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Lodged in life, like branches in a river
Flowing downstream, caught in the current
I carry you, you'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

Saturday, September 4, 2010

delayed gratification


Often, life provides us with two viable choices: the "later larger reward" and the "sooner smaller reward". While there is the obvious right choice, we often tend to gravitate towards the "sooner smaller reward" because it is associated with immediate gratification. The "later larger reward" just looms too far in the distance making it more uncertain and thereby not as desirable . We quickly become accustomed to the "sooner smaller rewards" that give us constant gratification, and often lack the willpower to wait it out for the better choice.

Interestingly, one way that we are better able to pick the "later larger reward" is by cutting off the option of obtaining the "sooner smaller reward". By doing this, we can ensure that we will not give in to temptation and can work our way towards making healthier decisions in life.

Of course, like most things in life, this is easier said than done.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

up in the air


Whenever things just happen they always seem so life or death. Part of that is probably my dramatic nature, maybe most of that. But once you get a chance to breathe things are so much more trivial. Those moments that seem life changing at the time, may not really change anything.

I think I really need to work on taking things so seriously and learn to let go. Not everyone is me, and everyone handles things differently and values different things. Just because they don't share my values does not mean I should respect them any less. I just need to learn to accept it and focus more of my attention on things that I have control of.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

kill the lights



Blogging is not as fun as I remember.

lost



It's so hard to gain a little perspective. So many times, I'm stuck in the moment, in the now of it all. This is what I want right now. I'm so focused on the crack in the sidewalk that I fail to see the winding trail.

Attempting to see the bigger picture and gain a little "perspective" trims those mountains down to hills. Maybe what I want right now, isn't what's best for me in the long run. I mean, I know it's not. And when I put things into perspective it makes these times easier to handle.

Sometimes what you want and what's best for you fail to align. Probably more times than not.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

the calm before the storm



The opposite of this. Still can't put my finger on it!

the epitome of complicated

When do we tell lies? I think we lie when we know we are doing something we shouldn't be doing. Deep down we tell ourselves, we know what is best for us. But the truth is, we know it isn't, that's why we have to lie to the people closest to us. Because we know they know what's best for us. And what we're doing, they simply wouldn't approve. So we lie to them, and ultimately to ourselves.

That's when you know you should start questioning and thinking twice about your actions, if they result in lying to someone's face.

And the irony is, 9 times out of 10, they'll know you're lying.

Friday, August 20, 2010

sprinkles

Brave new girl.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

insomnia

I have not updated this in a very long time. Its like the longer you put something off, the harder it becomes to do because of the build up. With every day that something goes unwritten, nothing becomes worth writing about.

Lately I feel in a funk. Like i'm "depersonalizing" or "derealizing" (I never really understood the difference). I don't want to say i'm growing up, cause I don't think that's what it is, but something is different. It's hard to write about because I'm not exactly sure of what i'm feeling in the first place. Can you express what you can't understand?

As I was driving back to san diego, one concrete thought did come to mind. I might have written about it before, i'm pretty much a broken record when it comes to this subject. If there's one thing that's worse than a label, it's when that label turns out to have a seed of truth. For a long time, I've hated how people label me an idealist. It always bothers me because it feels like they're saying I live in some fantasy land out of the realm of reality, which essentially, is exactly what they're saying. It makes me feel naive and childlike. So I fight the label; I want to so badly step out of the box i've been confined too. But often times reality slaps me in the face and makes me confront my idealistic tendencies. And then my pride rages. I hate being proven wrong.

How childish of me.
How annoying of others.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

1000 words

For hundreds of years we have been able to capture images. The beauty of a moment into a single frame. But what about scents? As I was taking a stroll, I passed by these flowers that had such a distinct smell, a familiar smell. The problem was, I could not place exactly what it was that the smell reminded me of. It just brought a rush of nostalgia. But nostalgia for what? A similar experience happened when I was at the mall. I caught a whiff of something that smelled like cherry lip gloss. The fragrance made me so happy. I wish I could have saved it. Maybe catch it in a jar, and steal whiffs of it whenever life gets too overwhelming, to bring me back to a time in the past when the little things were everything. Then again, maybe that's how smell gets to be so powerful. Because it is so rare and we cannot just go to our computer in a matter of seconds and pull up the file. Who nose. Haha. Get it?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

march on

Everything eventually must come to an end. Realizing that makes things easier to let go.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

the end of the world

I've never really been one of those opinionated political types. Neither have I been very worldly. But this morning I woke up and turned on my computer and my heart grew heavy. On Facebook, I read people arguing on a status update about the racial tensions currently taking place at our school. While I had been partly neutral about it before, after reading the ignorant remarks of the people in support of the racial discrimination under the guise that it was "satire", my mind was settled. I am embarrassed and ashamed for ever even being able to understand the side of the people in support of the "Compton Cookout". As soon as I checked my e-mail, I got a message from the UCSD police department about finding a noose hanging in Geisel Library. Wow. Seriously?! That is disgusting. Who would have the nerve to do that?! What purpose could that possibly serve?! How messed up in the head does someone need to be to do something so outrightly hateful?! I had previously not given this issue too much thought, but this hateful action has really sent me over the edge. My heart is aching. I can't see the other side anymore. I can't see how any act of discrimination or hate could ever bring people together. How it could ever serve a greater purpose.
And then I heard about the earthquake in Chile. To be honest, I had not taken the Haiti earthquake as seriously as I should have. As horrible as it sounds, I could not grasp the sense of devastation and loss having come from such a privileged lifestyle. But reading that the earthquake in Chile was 100 times stronger than the one in Haiti, that really hit me. And genuinely scares me. My friend asked me the other day, "Where do you see God's love in the case of natural disasters?" I responded, "In the coming together of people after, that is where I see God's love." I'm not so sure of my answer anymore. These natural disasters keep getting worse and more frequent. I don't understand what is going on, why this is all happening. I'm so scared. And I'm so sad.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

oh brother

I need to stop being a fickle pickle.

Monday, February 15, 2010

angel

I'm sick.

waiting

Why can't things ever be easy. Simple. No, for me, everything has to be complicated.

Friday, February 12, 2010

aimless

This week was not very fun. I had three midterms. The first two were pretty easy. The third one was medium-hard. I actually got decent sleep because I had been preparing the week before. Still, it was pretty stressful and annoying. On top of that, I'm trying to figure out my plans for next quarter, which kind of involves figuring out my 5-year plan. Who ever thought I'd be the kind of girl with a 5-year plan? Not me for sure. I'm supposed to be the spontaneous one. But I guess the worrier side of me took over. I guess that side is stronger. I definitely learned that one from my mom. Who definitely learned it from her mom. I hope I don't pass it on to my girl! It's such a burden. I hope this is the plan I stick to. For once, I feel it's right. It's fitting, what I've always wanted to do deep down but for some reason got lost along the way. Well after my last midterm I thought I'd be able to celebrate freedom, but I got an essay back with a not so stellar grade, putting me in a super crappy mood. At least when I went to class, I got to talk to this cute guy I'd been eyeing. A little later it was time for kyrie. Father Eugene came today. Everyone I talked to loved him so much and enjoyed his talk so much. It made me so happy. Seeing him made me so happy. When he mentioned something about my dad, nothing big at all, for some reason, I started tearing up. I really don't know why. I think it's just been an emotional week overall. I'm excited to go home this weekend though. I can't wait to see my family. I missed them especially this week. And in between all this jumble I came to a certain realization, I guess that's one part of my week I have to keep to myself.
This entry probably makes even less sense then the usual garbage I produce.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

well

Silly me. To think even for a second that I had a choice in the matter.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

numbers game

So there's these two things I want, #1 and #2.
#1 is attainable. #1 makes sense. #1 is what I thought I wanted, until #2.
#2 is unattainable. #2 makes no sense. As much as I wanted #2, I could probably never get it. But the possibility that #2 exists, makes me weary. Wouldn't it be wrong to choose #1, when I really want #2? Or am I being unrealistic and idealistic? Am I supposed to take what I can get? I still want #1, I just want #2 more. So by choosing #1, is that settling? Or is that being grounded in reality?

Sunday, January 31, 2010

nothing

The biggest problem with ambiguity is often when i come back to a post, i have no idea what i am even talking about.



Saturday, January 23, 2010

your song


Amae (甘え)
Function: noun

1. A feeling of pleasurable dependence on another person, such as the feeling an infant has toward his or her mother

i.e. One feels amae when one receives a gift, or is cared for, or is allowed to be dependent and child-like, without any obligation to reciprocate.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

darling


"Don't you understand, Tink? You mean more to me than anything else in this whole world!"




The sweetest line in movie history.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

breathe

Maybe this is all too much. I'm already starting to feel overwhelmed.
Just need to take it one day at a time.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

no way

Thank you for reminding me why I could never. You always do the best job of that.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

modern


The night belongs to the poets and the madmen.

humhum



I've been taking excellent care of my teeth.
Flossing, crest whitestrips, electric toothbrush, manual toothbrush, mouthwash, retainers.
It's quite a process.

I've also gone vegetarian. Nobody thinks I can do it.



I feel happy.

Friday, January 1, 2010

believe

We are all the same. Human in all our ways and all our pain.

Followers