Sunday, March 29, 2009

change part tres

Keeping with the theme..
This was supposed to kind of be a joke, but then someone decided to take it a little more seriously, so i guess i will too.

So the "joke" was that since person 1 wrote about how she hated change. person 2 would write about how she loved change. and I would write about how i loved &hated change. well I realized, that this IS how I actually feel about change. so, jokes on me, right?

Yeah, I'm trying to sound all witty and shit, but I'm just coming off incredibly lame. So I will just type exactly what is in my head.

I actually contemplated whether I should write "shit", cause that is exactly what I was thinking in my head, but I didn't want to demean my blog by using such language. Then I realized that I would be demeaning my blog even more if I censored what I was actually thinking. So, shit shit shit.

Steering way off topic..
Well, this spring break left me with a lot of down time. A lot of time for contemplation. And basically, a lot of time to stress. I don't know what it is, but I stress. A lot. Even when I'm relaxing I'm stressed, because I feel like I should be doing something more meaningful and productive. Which I don't do, which adds to my stress. Beautiful cycle really. So, basically, my main stress was the future. I have no idea what the hell I want to do.

I have dabbled in so many occupations, but I always end up apathetic or hating it. Then I move on to the next thing. Its freaking me out how we have to grow up. How did we get so old so fast? I know we don't have to decide right this second what we're going to do with our lives. But time is definitely ticking. I didn't think that I'd end up, 20, not knowing what the hell i wanted to do with my life.

I don't really have any goals or aspirations. And apparently no conscience. Haha.
I have gone way off topic again. This is starting to get really long, and really boring. And I'm actually bored of it myself. I don't even think I have talked about change yet.
So pretty much, I dread the process of it. The idea of it. But the actuality of it, isn't always so bad. While you can look at change as "fate", I also think there's another type of change, a change you have control over. It is your life. You make your own decisions. You make the changes you want to make.

A lot changed for me this year. I actually dubbed it the year of change. Both types actually. The inevitable "fate" type, as well as the change I chose to make. I think change is what helps us grow. What helps us grow up. What helps us let go. What helps us make other changes to better ourselves. And all in all, things are going pretty good.

This is the longest, and most confusing entry I have written so far. And its really hypocritical being that I made fun of a certain person 1 for writing such long entries. No one will probably read this, hell I probably won't even read this again.