Alone

Why do you invade the crevices of my mind?
Isn't it time for you to make your exit?
You have clearly overstayed your welcome.
Those deep dark spaces, the ones it takes years to seep into, you found your way in a matter of days.
But it's time for you to go.
I don't want you there.
You don't belong there.
I let you in, foolishly, thinking I could save you.
But you need to save yourself.
And instead you drag me down with you.
Who's gonna save me now?
Not you.
You're long gone.
At least physically.
The rest of you lives in me, in the crevices of my mind.
You have laid out a lawn chair with a beer in hand.
You're here to stay.
As long as I let you.

vulnerability

The people that form connections, are the people that believe they are worthy of love and connection.

Courage- to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart

What do whole-hearted people have in common?

The courage to be imperfect
Compassion to be kind to themselves first, then to others
Have compassion as a result of authenticity
Willing to let go of who they thought they should be, to be who they really were
Fully embraced vulnerability
Believed what made them vulnerable made them beautiful
Willingness to say "I love you" first
Willingness to do something without guarantees
Willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out

slow dancing in a burning room

We are all broken. We look to each other to fill in the void.
We are all desperate. Desperate to find someone to complete us.
We are all searching. Searching for someone to make the pain go away.
We are all hurting. Trying to bandage ourselves up with a false sense of security.
We are all hopeful. We risk it all again, in hopes of finding it the second, third, tenth time around.
We are all broken. We are searching in all the wrong places.

refresh

I just inspired myself by reading my old posts to start writing in here again. I used to always think I'd regret writing in such broad terms out of fear I would forget what I am referring to. In truth, I do not remember the exact moments or circumstances each post is addressing, however, that just goes to show how life is a constant repetition of lessons learned and learned again.  (Or in my case not learned, because I have to keep relearning!)

first comes love

Is there such a thing as love at first sight? In order to answer this, one has to define love. Most people think of love as an exhilarating emotion. In that case, lots of people experience "love" at first sight. But if love is a decision to do what is best for the other, then most people don't even think of it when they first meet a person.

Usually, love at first sight occurs when two people are immediately infatuated, and the relationship ends up working out. But the reason it lasts is not because of the mysterious feeling they had when they first laid eyes upon each other. It works out because they choose to love each other through acts of kindness and sacrifice, long after the infatuation fades.

The feelings of "being in love" are exciting, but they should not be confused with love itself. A person can make a promise to love, but no one can make a promise to feel. Emotions come and go. If we equate emotions with love, we'll conclude that when the feelings fade that love has gone away. When this happens, you hear people saying things like, "I love you. I'm not in love with you any more." If this is the case, then that person never loved the other person to begin with. They were in love with their own emotions.

the road less traveled

I wish I could say I took the road less traveled. I wish I could say I was a die hard romantic and was brave enough to take a leap of faith. I wish I could say I took a chance, I learned a lot about myself, and even if I got hurt, I had no regrets. But I can't say that. Maybe one day, but not today.

the little green monster

Sometimes I wonder. You know those wrenching feelings we get in our gut. Are we supposed to trust that feeling? Or is that feeling a completely irrational manifestation that we should throw aside? Is our subconscious trying to tell us something, warn us? Or is it just our insecurities eating away at us? Basically, is it you, or is it me. Only time will tell.


"Truth and time tell all."
Oh Justin Bobby, so wise.

sing me something soft

Do actions really speak louder than words? I still want your words. Is that too much to ask?

there is a light that never goes out

When all the signs point to "no," why do I still long for the "yes"?

how to love

I struggle so much between accepting myself for who I am and longing to become the ideal version of myself. Sometimes I wonder if I shape the ideal version of myself with the ideal version of what you want. And maybe what you want, is who I want to be. Or maybe it is what I always wanted from myself. The line is so blurry. I wish you could prove everyone wrong. I'll root for you every time, but I seem to be losing. It gets tiring losing. People start to look down on you, view you as a helpless case. And you start to get down on yourself, and your self worth slowly starts to sink. You see, when you frame your self worth against how someone else views you, you are bound to be stepping in dangerous territory. A ticking time bomb.

in your eyes

We expend so much of our efforts on fruitless pursuits. It is hope that drives us. Hope that keeps us coming back. Those fleeting moments that we cling onto. Those fleeting moments that almost erase the pain of all the other moments, where it's so glaringly obvious that it isn't right. Almost. But we are a persistent species, so we keep hoping.

landmarks

Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things.

new beginnings

I feel it already. I feel it beginning to be a part of my past. There are moments when I'm nostalgic and sugarcoat the already sweet enough memories, but that's all they are, memories. You can't live in your memories. You just have to stand tall, and walk forward. Maybe it's ok to turn your head and glance back once in a while, but never turn around. You will miss all the beauty that lies ahead.

and cut

We are the lead actor in our own movies. We have a line in every scene and we are given the innermost details of our every thought. So when we fail to play a significant role in someone else's movie or are streamlined to a mere side character, it may sometimes come as a shock. Aren't we supposed to be the girl he ends up with as the credits roll? Aren't we supposed to be the one who gets the big break? The job of a lifetime? When things in life don't follow the script, it can be unsettling. Life doesn't every really seem to follow the script. Maybe we just have to settle for being the sidekick, maybe we have to settle for being the wrong girl, maybe we have to settle for being the one who doesn't get the big break, or the dream job. But maybe, just for now. Movies are supposed to have happy endings right?

beautiful mess

The power of your words.

the angel and the one

Sometimes I want a taste, but then I don't know what I'm saying.

fairytale

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme. And some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.

smoke and mirrors

Is it possible to have both high self-esteem and low self-esteem at the same time? There are moments where I feel so unworthy and uninteresting, but then there are moments where I feel completely confident and capable. I can flutter between these two states in a matter of hours. What does this say about me? Wouldn't a truly confident person remain consistently confident regardless of outside forces telling them otherwise? So I guess what I experience is a pseudo-confidence.

Society tries to go and empower us and emphasize the beauty of our individuality while simultaneously splattering images of unattainable "perfection" all over the walls. Then girls try to imitate this idea of perfection and portray their "perfect" selves to the rest of the world. The rest of us then wonder why we can't be as cool as that girl, or as talented as that girl, or as pretty as that girl. While those same girls who we envy look on at us and wonder the same. 

poppies

Okay. I'm not going to say if I could have any career regardless of pay I would own a flowershop, because I'm sure if I really thought about it I could think of a lot more careers that I would rather do if money wasn't an issue. But I do think it would be so lovely to own a flowershop. Not a chain, but a quaint mom and pop flowershop on the corner. It would always smell fresh and all the customers would be smiling and happy. This is probably an extremely idealized and simplified version of what it would be like to own a flowershop, but let a girl dream:)

lonely twenties

So I have heard that the twenties are the loneliest years. I can definitely see how that is a possibility. Our lives are filled with so much uncertainty. We are discovering who we are, how we work, what we need from others, what we expect from ourselves. And while we are on this path to self-discovery, most of us are also on the path to finding love. I think heartbreak is most exaggerated at this phase in life. Most of us are experiencing our first real loves and the fear that we will never find someone who can love us more leaves us unable to move on. How are we supposed to have faith that a greater love exists if this is all we know? And the thought of leaving them and facing the world alone can be too much to handle. I guess all we can do is just bear through it and try to make all the pieces fit together as neatly as possible, and hopefully by the end of this lonely decade, the puzzle will be complete.