russian roulette

To love at all is to vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

first comes love

Is there such a thing as love at first sight? In order to answer this, one has to define love. Most people think of love as an exhilarating emotion. In that case, lots of people experience "love" at first sight. But if love is a decision to do what is best for the other, then most people don't even think of it when they first meet a person.

Usually, love at first sight occurs when two people are immediately infatuated, and the relationship ends up working out. But the reason it lasts is not because of the mysterious feeling they had when they first laid eyes upon each other. It works out because they choose to love each other through acts of kindness and sacrifice, long after the infatuation fades.

The feelings of "being in love" are exciting, but they should not be confused with love itself. A person can make a promise to love, but no one can make a promise to feel. Emotions come and go. If we equate emotions with love, we'll conclude that when the feelings fade that love has gone away. When this happens, you hear people saying things like, "I love you. I'm not in love with you any more." If this is the case, then that person never loved the other person to begin with. They were in love with their own emotions.

the road less traveled

I wish I could say I took the road less traveled. I wish I could say I was a die hard romantic and was brave enough to take a leap of faith. I wish I could say I took a chance, I learned a lot about myself, and even if I got hurt, I had no regrets. But I can't say that. Maybe one day, but not today.

the little green monster

Sometimes I wonder. You know those wrenching feelings we get in our gut. Are we supposed to trust that feeling? Or is that feeling a completely irrational manifestation that we should throw aside? Is our subconscious trying to tell us something, warn us? Or is it just our insecurities eating away at us? Basically, is it you, or is it me. Only time will tell.


"Truth and time tell all."
Oh Justin Bobby, so wise.

sing me something soft

Do actions really speak louder than words? I still want your words. Is that too much to ask?

there is a light that never goes out

When all the signs point to "no," why do I still long for the "yes"?

how to love

I struggle so much between accepting myself for who I am and longing to become the ideal version of myself. Sometimes I wonder if I shape the ideal version of myself with the ideal version of what you want. And maybe what you want, is who I want to be. Or maybe it is what I always wanted from myself. The line is so blurry. I wish you could prove everyone wrong. I'll root for you every time, but I seem to be losing. It gets tiring losing. People start to look down on you, view you as a helpless case. And you start to get down on yourself, and your self worth slowly starts to sink. You see, when you frame your self worth against how someone else views you, you are bound to be stepping in dangerous territory. A ticking time bomb.

in your eyes

We expend so much of our efforts on fruitless pursuits. It is hope that drives us. Hope that keeps us coming back. Those fleeting moments that we cling onto. Those fleeting moments that almost erase the pain of all the other moments, where it's so glaringly obvious that it isn't right. Almost. But we are a persistent species, so we keep hoping.

blue valentine

I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married, we marry, like, one girl cause we're resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I'd be an idiot if I didn't marry this girl, she's so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option..."Oh he's got a good job." I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they just marry the guy who's got a good job and is gonna stick around.

landmarks

Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things.

dance floor anthem

Stop what you're doing

You don't wanna ruin

The chance that you got to

Find a new one

new beginnings

I feel it already. I feel it beginning to be a part of my past. There are moments when I'm nostalgic and sugarcoat the already sweet enough memories, but that's all they are, memories. You can't live in your memories. You just have to stand tall, and walk forward. Maybe it's ok to turn your head and glance back once in a while, but never turn around. You will miss all the beauty that lies ahead.

and cut

We are the lead actor in our own movies. We have a line in every scene and we are given the innermost details of our every thought. So when we fail to play a significant role in someone else's movie or are streamlined to a mere side character, it may sometimes come as a shock. Aren't we supposed to be the girl he ends up with as the credits roll? Aren't we supposed to be the one who gets the big break? The job of a lifetime? When things in life don't follow the script, it can be unsettling. Life doesn't every really seem to follow the script. Maybe we just have to settle for being the sidekick, maybe we have to settle for being the wrong girl, maybe we have to settle for being the one who doesn't get the big break, or the dream job. But maybe, just for now. Movies are supposed to have happy endings right?

beautiful mess

The power of your words.

the finish line

When we learn how to fly, we forget how to walk

When we learn how to sing, don't wanna hear each other talk

the angel and the one

Sometimes I want a taste, but then I don't know what I'm saying.

fairytale

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme. And some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.

smoke and mirrors

Is it possible to have both high self-esteem and low self-esteem at the same time? There are moments where I feel so unworthy and uninteresting, but then there are moments where I feel completely confident and capable. I can flutter between these two states in a matter of hours. What does this say about me? Wouldn't a truly confident person remain consistently confident regardless of outside forces telling them otherwise? So I guess what I experience is a pseudo-confidence.

Society tries to go and empower us and emphasize the beauty of our individuality while simultaneously splattering images of unattainable "perfection" all over the walls. Then girls try to imitate this idea of perfection and portray their "perfect" selves to the rest of the world. The rest of us then wonder why we can't be as cool as that girl, or as talented as that girl, or as pretty as that girl. While those same girls who we envy look on at us and wonder the same. 

shine on

2 more months. yikes.

the fighter

Wow. What a truly spectacular piece of art. I laughed, I cried (eh..not really..it takes a lot for me to shed a tear). But in all honesty, a real masterpiece. On one level, I knew it'd be a good film, like all other Oscar-winning films, but I didn't expect to enjoy it so much. I feel this is one of the few Oscar-winning films this year that has a lot of heart. Yes, Black Swan is intriguing, dark, and mysterious. Yes, The Social Network is an innovative self-reflexive commentary. But The Fighter had soul. Watching the film was such a raw experience, you could feel the heartbreak, the struggle. The acting was phenomenal, believable. Action for the males, romance for the females. It even had an anti-drug message haha. But seriously, while The Fighter may not be oh so creative and new age, it is going down as an amazing classic without a doubt. Do I even have to say it? Reco-freaken-mmend!

poppies

Okay. I'm not going to say if I could have any career regardless of pay I would own a flowershop, because I'm sure if I really thought about it I could think of a lot more careers that I would rather do if money wasn't an issue. But I do think it would be so lovely to own a flowershop. Not a chain, but a quaint mom and pop flowershop on the corner. It would always smell fresh and all the customers would be smiling and happy. This is probably an extremely idealized and simplified version of what it would be like to own a flowershop, but let a girl dream:)

helvetica

Newsflash: whether you do something ironically or not, you're still doing it.

lonely twenties

So I have heard that the twenties are the loneliest years. I can definitely see how that is a possibility. Our lives are filled with so much uncertainty. We are discovering who we are, how we work, what we need from others, what we expect from ourselves. And while we are on this path to self-discovery, most of us are also on the path to finding love. I think heartbreak is most exaggerated at this phase in life. Most of us are experiencing our first real loves and the fear that we will never find someone who can love us more leaves us unable to move on. How are we supposed to have faith that a greater love exists if this is all we know? And the thought of leaving them and facing the world alone can be too much to handle. I guess all we can do is just bear through it and try to make all the pieces fit together as neatly as possible, and hopefully by the end of this lonely decade, the puzzle will be complete.

what a week

I'm sorry blog, have you missed me? I just finished applying for some jobs. I feel this overwhelming sense of relief. Like I have finally begun. The chances that I'll get any of these jobs is slim to none, but just the fact that I have started the process makes me feel at ease. They say starting is the hardest part, now hopefully I can keep this momentum going. I will feel so great once I can secure a job in the coming months. That is one less thing to stress about. Of course there are still the GREs and then the actual application process. Thinking about it all is so overwhelming. I need to learn how to take it one step at a time. Baby steps. This immense amount of guilt(from slacking?) has been taken off my shoulders. I can finally breathe. Ahhhhhh.

forward march

So Boston has become a very real part of my future. My sister is (almost) officially going to Boston for college! This means I get to go in a couple of weeks during her spring break! Cannot wait! This also means my going to grad school in Boston is much more likely. I feel like this is all part of the plan. Whenever I imagine my Boston apartment I imagine it to look a little like this. Warm and quaint with brick of course! Oh brick<3

reality bites

Could this be any more true? Life is not a bowl of cherries, and this film certainly reveals such. Even though this movie was made over fifteen years ago, its striking how the themes are still so relevant today. I could especially relate to this movie because it focused on four twenty-somethings and their lives right after graduation. Now what? Of course we're expected to get jobs and grow up, but of course this is easier said than done. It's a lonely time. We are so lost, just trying to figure out who we are, what we want out of life, who we want out of life. It's such a fragile time in our lives, full of so much unknown. Nothing is set in stone, and every little decision can lead to life changing outcomes.

Then there is the story. Two best friends who have managed to remain romantically uninvolved all throughout college. And of course he loves her. Of course she is the only girl he has ever loved. Of course she refuses to be with him because he is unstable. And then of course she gives in, because she has loved him all this time as well. And then he runs away scared, afraid of committing, afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of something real. He eventually comes back, realizing he needs to overcome his fear if he ever wants a chance at happiness. And they live happily ever after until the credits roll. Tale as old as time, but nonetheless my favorite.

a whisper in the dark

It's raining right now. I'm sitting in my future room at a desk looking out the window. I have no idea how I'm gonna tackle this redocorating project. Looking at this room right now..it seems impossible. But I'm sipping on my tea, and the raindrops are blurring the scenery outside and I feel cozy and content for now.