eve

Pride is such a funny thing. You can hold on to it for so long until you don't even remember why you're clinging on so tightly in the first place. And the in moment, in the second you let go, you become unbearably vulnerable. You regret letting your guard down because now someone has the power to hurt you, to know you. It's an uncomfortable feeling. Everything comes down to how that person handles this power. Handled delicately, it could be so beautiful. But in the wrong hands, it could mean disaster. It could mean pain. And then you're left to build yourself back up again, because the one person you counted on to build you up has betrayed you. And you once again grab on tightly to pride and refuse to let go.

relapse

Drugs are insane.

eyes wide shut

It's funny when I read my past entries because I seem to repeat myself over and over again. I come to the same "epiphanies" month after month, not realizing that they've already been realized. Again and again. Pathetic really. Girl needs to get some new thoughts! Or at least retain the ones she previously owned. Oh however will you learn to learn from your mistakes?

delusion angel

Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes
I'm a delusion angel, I'm a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Lodged in life, like branches in a river
Flowing downstream, caught in the current
I carry you, you'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

delayed gratification

Often, life provides us with two viable choices: the "later larger reward" and the "sooner smaller reward". While there is the obvious right choice, we often tend to gravitate towards the "sooner smaller reward" because it is associated with immediate gratification. The "later larger reward" just looms too far in the distance making it more uncertain and thereby not as desirable . We quickly become accustomed to the "sooner smaller rewards" that give us constant gratification, and often lack the willpower to wait it out for the better choice.

Interestingly, one way that we are better able to pick the "later larger reward" is by cutting off the option of obtaining the "sooner smaller reward". By doing this, we can ensure that we will not give in to temptation and can work our way towards making healthier decisions in life.

Of course, like most things in life, this is easier said than done.

up in the air

Whenever things just happen they always seem so life or death. Part of that is probably my dramatic nature, maybe most of that. But once you get a chance to breathe things are so much more trivial. Those moments that seem life changing at the time, may not really change anything.

I think I really need to work on taking things so seriously and learn to let go. Not everyone is me, and everyone handles things differently and values different things. Just because they don't share my values does not mean I should respect them any less. I just need to learn to accept it and focus more of my attention on things that I have control of.

kill the lights

Blogging is not as fun as I remember.