the return

I am always longing.
What am I longing for?
Do I enjoy it?
Is it my uncomfortable comfort zone?

I am tired of it. I want to feel fulfilled, complete.

I spoke with a girl working at Urban Outfitters the other day. She was in such good spirits, so kind, exuding positive energy. I straight up asked her, how are you so happy? She said she had nothing to complain about. She said she liked her life. She looked about my age. She said she lived in Studio City and grew up in La Canada. That's the extent of my knowledge about her. Whenever I see people working retail I feel so tired. It seems exhausting, constantly on your feet, dealing with rude customers, working nights and weekends. But she didn't let it phase her, she attributed her happiness to her "outlook."

I've always felt, if I had such and such, I would happy. Or, if only I was more like this, I would be happy. Yada yada yada. I truly have so so much, it's almost disgusting. It's really true that money and possessions can't buy happiness. But how does one adopt such a positive "outlook"? There is so much pain and rejection in this world. I see it every day. I feel it every day.

Alone

Why do you invade the crevices of my mind?
Isn't it time for you to make your exit?
You have clearly overstayed your welcome.
Those deep dark spaces, the ones it takes years to seep into, you found your way in a matter of days.
But it's time for you to go.
I don't want you there.
You don't belong there.
I let you in, foolishly, thinking I could save you.
But you need to save yourself.
And instead you drag me down with you.
Who's gonna save me now?
Not you.
You're long gone.
At least physically.
The rest of you lives in me, in the crevices of my mind.
You have laid out a lawn chair with a beer in hand.
You're here to stay.
As long as I let you.

vulnerability

The people that form connections, are the people that believe they are worthy of love and connection.

Courage- to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart

What do whole-hearted people have in common?

The courage to be imperfect
Compassion to be kind to themselves first, then to others
Have compassion as a result of authenticity
Willing to let go of who they thought they should be, to be who they really were
Fully embraced vulnerability
Believed what made them vulnerable made them beautiful
Willingness to say "I love you" first
Willingness to do something without guarantees
Willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out

slow dancing in a burning room

We are all broken. We look to each other to fill in the void.
We are all desperate. Desperate to find someone to complete us.
We are all searching. Searching for someone to make the pain go away.
We are all hurting. Trying to bandage ourselves up with a false sense of security.
We are all hopeful. We risk it all again, in hopes of finding it the second, third, tenth time around.
We are all broken. We are searching in all the wrong places.

refresh

I just inspired myself by reading my old posts to start writing in here again. I used to always think I'd regret writing in such broad terms out of fear I would forget what I am referring to. In truth, I do not remember the exact moments or circumstances each post is addressing, however, that just goes to show how life is a constant repetition of lessons learned and learned again.  (Or in my case not learned, because I have to keep relearning!)

russian roulette

To love at all is to vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

first comes love

Is there such a thing as love at first sight? In order to answer this, one has to define love. Most people think of love as an exhilarating emotion. In that case, lots of people experience "love" at first sight. But if love is a decision to do what is best for the other, then most people don't even think of it when they first meet a person.

Usually, love at first sight occurs when two people are immediately infatuated, and the relationship ends up working out. But the reason it lasts is not because of the mysterious feeling they had when they first laid eyes upon each other. It works out because they choose to love each other through acts of kindness and sacrifice, long after the infatuation fades.

The feelings of "being in love" are exciting, but they should not be confused with love itself. A person can make a promise to love, but no one can make a promise to feel. Emotions come and go. If we equate emotions with love, we'll conclude that when the feelings fade that love has gone away. When this happens, you hear people saying things like, "I love you. I'm not in love with you any more." If this is the case, then that person never loved the other person to begin with. They were in love with their own emotions.

the road less traveled

I wish I could say I took the road less traveled. I wish I could say I was a die hard romantic and was brave enough to take a leap of faith. I wish I could say I took a chance, I learned a lot about myself, and even if I got hurt, I had no regrets. But I can't say that. Maybe one day, but not today.

the little green monster

Sometimes I wonder. You know those wrenching feelings we get in our gut. Are we supposed to trust that feeling? Or is that feeling a completely irrational manifestation that we should throw aside? Is our subconscious trying to tell us something, warn us? Or is it just our insecurities eating away at us? Basically, is it you, or is it me. Only time will tell.


"Truth and time tell all."
Oh Justin Bobby, so wise.

sing me something soft

Do actions really speak louder than words? I still want your words. Is that too much to ask?

there is a light that never goes out

When all the signs point to "no," why do I still long for the "yes"?

how to love

I struggle so much between accepting myself for who I am and longing to become the ideal version of myself. Sometimes I wonder if I shape the ideal version of myself with the ideal version of what you want. And maybe what you want, is who I want to be. Or maybe it is what I always wanted from myself. The line is so blurry. I wish you could prove everyone wrong. I'll root for you every time, but I seem to be losing. It gets tiring losing. People start to look down on you, view you as a helpless case. And you start to get down on yourself, and your self worth slowly starts to sink. You see, when you frame your self worth against how someone else views you, you are bound to be stepping in dangerous territory. A ticking time bomb.

in your eyes

We expend so much of our efforts on fruitless pursuits. It is hope that drives us. Hope that keeps us coming back. Those fleeting moments that we cling onto. Those fleeting moments that almost erase the pain of all the other moments, where it's so glaringly obvious that it isn't right. Almost. But we are a persistent species, so we keep hoping.

blue valentine

I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married, we marry, like, one girl cause we're resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I'd be an idiot if I didn't marry this girl, she's so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option..."Oh he's got a good job." I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they just marry the guy who's got a good job and is gonna stick around.

landmarks

Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things.

dance floor anthem

Stop what you're doing

You don't wanna ruin

The chance that you got to

Find a new one

new beginnings

I feel it already. I feel it beginning to be a part of my past. There are moments when I'm nostalgic and sugarcoat the already sweet enough memories, but that's all they are, memories. You can't live in your memories. You just have to stand tall, and walk forward. Maybe it's ok to turn your head and glance back once in a while, but never turn around. You will miss all the beauty that lies ahead.

and cut

We are the lead actor in our own movies. We have a line in every scene and we are given the innermost details of our every thought. So when we fail to play a significant role in someone else's movie or are streamlined to a mere side character, it may sometimes come as a shock. Aren't we supposed to be the girl he ends up with as the credits roll? Aren't we supposed to be the one who gets the big break? The job of a lifetime? When things in life don't follow the script, it can be unsettling. Life doesn't every really seem to follow the script. Maybe we just have to settle for being the sidekick, maybe we have to settle for being the wrong girl, maybe we have to settle for being the one who doesn't get the big break, or the dream job. But maybe, just for now. Movies are supposed to have happy endings right?

beautiful mess

The power of your words.

the finish line

When we learn how to fly, we forget how to walk

When we learn how to sing, don't wanna hear each other talk