the return

I am always longing.
What am I longing for?
Do I enjoy it?
Is it my uncomfortable comfort zone?

I am tired of it. I want to feel fulfilled, complete.

I spoke with a girl working at Urban Outfitters the other day. She was in such good spirits, so kind, exuding positive energy. I straight up asked her, how are you so happy? She said she had nothing to complain about. She said she liked her life. She looked about my age. She said she lived in Studio City and grew up in La Canada. That's the extent of my knowledge about her. Whenever I see people working retail I feel so tired. It seems exhausting, constantly on your feet, dealing with rude customers, working nights and weekends. But she didn't let it phase her, she attributed her happiness to her "outlook."

I've always felt, if I had such and such, I would happy. Or, if only I was more like this, I would be happy. Yada yada yada. I truly have so so much, it's almost disgusting. It's really true that money and possessions can't buy happiness. But how does one adopt such a positive "outlook"? There is so much pain and rejection in this world. I see it every day. I feel it every day.

Alone

Why do you invade the crevices of my mind?
Isn't it time for you to make your exit?
You have clearly overstayed your welcome.
Those deep dark spaces, the ones it takes years to seep into, you found your way in a matter of days.
But it's time for you to go.
I don't want you there.
You don't belong there.
I let you in, foolishly, thinking I could save you.
But you need to save yourself.
And instead you drag me down with you.
Who's gonna save me now?
Not you.
You're long gone.
At least physically.
The rest of you lives in me, in the crevices of my mind.
You have laid out a lawn chair with a beer in hand.
You're here to stay.
As long as I let you.

vulnerability

The people that form connections, are the people that believe they are worthy of love and connection.

Courage- to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart

What do whole-hearted people have in common?

The courage to be imperfect
Compassion to be kind to themselves first, then to others
Have compassion as a result of authenticity
Willing to let go of who they thought they should be, to be who they really were
Fully embraced vulnerability
Believed what made them vulnerable made them beautiful
Willingness to say "I love you" first
Willingness to do something without guarantees
Willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out

slow dancing in a burning room

We are all broken. We look to each other to fill in the void.
We are all desperate. Desperate to find someone to complete us.
We are all searching. Searching for someone to make the pain go away.
We are all hurting. Trying to bandage ourselves up with a false sense of security.
We are all hopeful. We risk it all again, in hopes of finding it the second, third, tenth time around.
We are all broken. We are searching in all the wrong places.

refresh

I just inspired myself by reading my old posts to start writing in here again. I used to always think I'd regret writing in such broad terms out of fear I would forget what I am referring to. In truth, I do not remember the exact moments or circumstances each post is addressing, however, that just goes to show how life is a constant repetition of lessons learned and learned again.  (Or in my case not learned, because I have to keep relearning!)

russian roulette

To love at all is to vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

first comes love

Is there such a thing as love at first sight? In order to answer this, one has to define love. Most people think of love as an exhilarating emotion. In that case, lots of people experience "love" at first sight. But if love is a decision to do what is best for the other, then most people don't even think of it when they first meet a person.

Usually, love at first sight occurs when two people are immediately infatuated, and the relationship ends up working out. But the reason it lasts is not because of the mysterious feeling they had when they first laid eyes upon each other. It works out because they choose to love each other through acts of kindness and sacrifice, long after the infatuation fades.

The feelings of "being in love" are exciting, but they should not be confused with love itself. A person can make a promise to love, but no one can make a promise to feel. Emotions come and go. If we equate emotions with love, we'll conclude that when the feelings fade that love has gone away. When this happens, you hear people saying things like, "I love you. I'm not in love with you any more." If this is the case, then that person never loved the other person to begin with. They were in love with their own emotions.